Online Dating as Solution to the Two Ladder Problem
As an old married man, I am able to watch bemusedly as a younger cohort argues about online dating. Is it bad for women? Is it bad for men? I don’t have anything to add to these debates besides personal anecdotes which I am not keen to share. But I do feel as if one aspect of this debate is overlooked and that is the two ladder problem.
I was reminded of this old online theory a few days ago. An unoriginal debate was raging about whether men and women can truly be friends, or whether the men will always conceal some sexual interest in the women.
Obviously male-female friendships are possible, but they can be fraught. Everyone knows this if they are honest. The crux of the problem is the aforementioned two ladders. Women do not always attribute sexual desirability to men who might get it under different circumstances. Thus they can be said to have two ladders - one for friends and one for lovers.
For most of my adolescent life this fact was uncomfortable for me. I was not bold or assertive and would invariably end up on the friend ladder. Then during my adult life, this issue ceased to exist. The solution was online dating.
Online dating puts all men firmly on the “real” ladder. Thankfully there is no friendship consolation prize. If a woman (or man) rejects you online, your relationship with them is over. In the early days of online dating, it was not uncommon for someone to break off contact with a short missive stating “I hope we can still be friends” or something similarly insincere. It was like how the first iPhone used skeumorphic app logos that mimicked real objects. We transferred real life norms to the internet and the practice did not last. Now if someone doesn’t like you, they can cease contact and the question is forever resolved.
The beauty of this ladder removal cannot be overstated. Now all contact with a woman was inherently romantic. It was *expected* that you should try and make a move with her. The worst that could happen was rejection which was infinitely less painful than rejection + continued regular contact. No more awkward attempt at handholding or god forbid an unwanted kiss. Now both parties made clear what they were signing up for.
The side benefit of this is that real world friendships with women became default non-romantic. If I met you online, I was trying to date you. If I met you in person, we were friends and that was cool. Energy did not have to be misspent. Adult life was no longer like high school where it was all about who you knew and first impressions. There were now opportunities to make many first impressions, to refine this to an art. That of course is a pitfall that I fell into and might discuss on another day. For now all I want to say is that online dating was a huge boon for me. I suspect it is still one for many awkward men who are either unable or fearfully unwilling to read subtle emotional cues. With all this deranged dating debate, perhaps the devil’s side needs and advocate.